Category Archives: Faith

Posts about faith in God and what it looks like

Times of Endurance

Spring is coming.  I don’t know it’s coming because the weather is warmer or because the trees are budding.  My son tells me.  He tells me in the way he behaves.  Every spring from early February to July he struggles.  Things that didn’t used to bother him are now minor issues.  What used to be minor issues are now major issues.  Major issues are now screaming meltdowns, complete with aggression.  Spring is now a time of dread for us.

And once again I am staring at the realities of Autism:  medication.  I hate the thought of medicati9881552473_09df711fd8_bng my child.  But as D gets older D gets bigger.  As D gets bigger D hits harder, and this momma who already struggles with Fibromyalgia struggles a little more.  I know it’s time because it affects his life so much that he struggles with everything.  There’s more of all the bad stuff:  perseverating, meltdowns, fixations, aggression.  The sweet little boy who loves to cuddle fades a little and in his place is this unreasonable and unreachable stranger.  So, off we go to the PCP who will recommend a child psychiatrist.

I’ve entered a time of endurance.  It’s not a happy time.  It’s a time of dogged determination.  Like a marathon runner at the end of the race, winded and sweating, focused on putting one foot in front of the other foot.  I start my mantra by telling myself over and over:  “I don’t have to be excellent.  I just have to endure.”  1st Corinthians 13:7 says it all:

“Love…bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

And I love my son.  So I endure.  For his sake and the sake of my Lord.  Who, for some reason, entrusted me with this child.  I hold on to His hand and I hope for the future. I have to believe theres a better future in store for us.  A future that doesn’t include all these struggles.  It’s how I endure, after all.  All of us have times of endurance.  Times of dogged determination.  Times that we just have to get through.  The bible promises so much to those of us who are able to endure:

“You will be hated by all because of My name, but it is the one who has endured to the end who will be saved.”  Matthew 10:22

So, we pray.  We hope for the future.  We endure, and we hold His hand.

Calluses

 

When I was in school, I played the viola.  (The viola is shaped like a violin with a deeper sound.)  When you’re first starting out playing the viola you pluck the strings quite a bit, to get used to the sound of the instrument.  Plucking the viola for hours on end got very painful until something wonderful happened.  My fingers developed calluses on the ends to protect my skin.  Calluses made for 3503360299_edeb108283less painful viola-plucking.  Over time though, I noticed something.  Calluses meant less pain.  Calluses also meant less feeling.  I noticed that the tips of my fingers couldn’t feel the softness of the old quilt on my bed, or the silky satin of my doll’s dress.  In fact, I had lost much of the sensation on the tips of my fingers.

Some people have calluses over their hearts.  They have been hurt often, so a callus has developed around their heart to protect them from pain.  But, just like my fingers, there’s a cost to a callus.  A callus on the heart leaves out so much of the emotions of life.  Life is messy and emotional.  The loss of a loved one can leave us devastated and broken.  The birth of a child brings feelings of awe and wonder.  The smile on the face of that same child brings such tremendous joy.  To this very day the sight of my children’s sleeping faces brings such feelings of love that I am almost tearful.  The sight of my husband walking up the drive after a hard day brings on such relief.

We are creatures of emotion.  God created us that way on purpose.  To love Him with “all of our heart, all of our soul and all of our mind.”  (Matt. 22:37)  We were intended to love with all our heart.  We were not intended to protect ourselves with calluses.  Instead, we should lean on the one who created that very heart:  ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. ‘(Proverbs 3:5)  God is big enough to handle our emotions.  I have gone to Him broken and lost.  I have cried out sorrow and anger and pain.  I do it often.  Live life to the fullest.  Experience as much of it as you can with your whole, entire heart.  And if it gets broken, then take it to the Healer…